Monday, November 12, 2007

Blazer Player Breakdown: Aldridge, Webster, Green

There's a cool movement in basketball to come up with increasingly better statistics that more accurately capture the contributions of an individual player. This Hollingerization has its staunch critics and its horny groupies, but I think the vast majority of us think its all sorta neat-o.

You may be wondering, how can I help? After all, you're just an obscure reader of an obscure blog. Well, I have that answer for you. I've devised a complex system (I will not bewilder you with the complex details and jargon of it all here) to accurately break a player down into his most basic and crucial components. Support my quantitative breakdowns and, dare I say, go out there and be somebody. You can apply this to your own team, boss, spouse, dog, whatever. I'm not opposed to a healthy debate, so long as it ends in your humiliating defeat and me being carried off on the shoulders of awesome people.

To get the ball "bouncing" (cause its basketball ha!), I humbly present analyses of three current Blazers. The goal is to get the whole team completed, although this is science and you can't rush science. Don't even try.

First up, we have LaMarcus Aldridge:

That length, blossoming defensive prowess, and soft-high release have reminded more than a few of us of Sheed. Of course, LaMarcus doesn't freak out as much at officials or teammates. He also does this thing where he likes working hard to improve his game (Whaaaaat?). And he doesn't become a malcontent when an offense wants him to carry a heavy load.

Next up, we have Mr. Martell Webster:

Yeah, I said it. Oh, and I know that H2O played in Detroit that season. However, I couldn't find a picture of him in a Pistons jersey shooting a basketball. I know, you probably didn't even notice that I had digitally altered the Knicks jersey into a Detroit one, or that I incorporated subtle clues to make you think he was shooting that ball from somewhere in Detroit, maybe even 8-Mile.
Anyways, don't sleep on Martell. He has the shooting touch and athleticism of a young Allan Houston. I was tempted to also subtract "knowing he's as good as Allan Houston" from the equation, but Martell has been full of confidence so far this season. With LaMarcus growing into an All-Star and Oden on the way, Martell is going to be killing teams with his shooting for many years.

Our next and final breakdown today, rookie pointguard Taurean Green:

A few nights ago I was reading something about Taurean Green, when Dia walked by and demanded to know why I was looking at pictures of D.L. Hughley. I explained that the picture in question was in fact Blazer's rookie Taruean Green, that he won back-to-back championships in college (I even did the gator chomp a few times for emphasis), that he was passed over in the draft despite his proven skills and toughness just because he's a little small.

Blank stare.

Well, he does have the same hair as D.L., and he does joke around a lot. Except reportedly, his jokes go over at a more successful rate than D.L.'s have lately. He also has the public support of Nate, who has yet to issue similar positive statements about food or water. All he really needs is more playing time, and with inconsistent backcourt play so far you have to believe thats on the horizon. A tough and defensive undersized pointguard with a shooting touch, I see evidence of a young Blaylock. A Blaylock with jokes.


Chris said...

Inconsistent back court?

Steve Blake: 3 games started- 3 wins
27 assists - 2 turnovers

Jack Brown said...

I respond to your question with three of my own:

Haven't they played more than three games? Doesn't their backcourt consist of more players than Mr. Blake? Are you taking this blog too seriously?

Etchasketchist said...

Ooh this is fun. Then Sergio Rodriguez would be Jason Williams divided by Picasso's Guernica (representing "the chaos and anarchy of the Spanish Revolution")

Jack Brown said...

Etchasketchist you just blew my mind. said...

This cannot really work, I feel so.