Saturday, August 1, 2009

Something I approve of: Comparing 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' to the Trailblazers

I'm late getting to this, but Hardwood Paroxysm has a nice bit of weekend reading for you:
Remember when the Portland Trailblazers tried to pass off Darius Miles as a broken down, must retire piece of cap relief? They tried to get his incomprehensible contract off of their books by saying he needed to retire due to injury and it nearly worked. In fact, had it worked the Blazers would have been about $16 million under the cap figure this off-season and in position to add one more major piece to their young core before the extensions of Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge start being discussed.
Instead of being able to offer Hedo Turkoglu money he couldn’t refuse, they were only able to offer him something Toronto could easily match and they ended up losing him to Canada. It was all because Michael Heisley finally decided to try to be a competent NBA owner by screwing over the Blazers.
So what does this have to do with It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia?
Well, there’s an episode in the second season of Sunny PA (just an easy way to shorten the title in conversation) in which Mac ends up having sexual relations with Dennis’ mom. In fact, the episode is titled, “Mac Bangs Dennis’ Mom.” In the episode, Mac has foreword advances from Dennis’ mom while visiting to pick up some things. He decides to not “bang” her because she’s the mom of his friend even though he really wants to. Their other friend Charlie (the one that thought “Private” read “Pirate”) is in a feud with Dennis because Dennis is blackmailing him by threatening to sleep with a girl Charlie is obsessed with (but who wants nothing to do with him). So in retaliation, Charlie convinces Mac to sleep with Dennis’ mom so he can set up a chain reaction of backlash and chaos.
Charlie shows Mac leaving the mom’s house to Dennis one morning and Dennis’ reaction is to kill Mac. But Charlie convinces him that it wouldn’t “un-bang his mom.” He convinces Dennis to attempt to sleep with Mac’s mom, despite that being arguably the most disgusting thing anyone could ever do. And that’s what brings us to the latest in salary cap banging.
The Blazers were furious after the Grizzlies intentionally signed Darius Miles and played him to hurt their future cap space. They wanted to sue and get thousands of other team’s dollars tied up in litigation. But none of that ever happened because they knew their own threats were baseless. So instead, they waited for their opportunity this summer to try and hurt another team’s salary cap and that’s exactly what they attempted with the Paul Millsap offer sheet.
Now put it all together...
And you can’t really blame them. Their mom/salary cap situation was completely banged/ruined because of petty and shrewd business moves. They weren’t wronged in any way. Every team in the NBA should have been prepared to do what Memphis did just like every team with cap space should have tried to drive up the asking price for Paul Millsap, knowing that Utah was almost certain to match. That’s just a good business practice and a way to keep the competition down. Portland tried to retaliate by banging/ruining someone else’s mom/salary cap situation.
Unfortunately, that didn’t un-bang Portland’s salary cap and they still haven’t been able to add a big piece to their roster.
I think this means other NBA GMs should keep their respective mothers locked in the house when Kevin Pritchard comes to town. Or did I misunderstand something?

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