Blazers face elimination, DeceptivelyQuick breaks out the game changer

Portland plays a must-win game tonight, the first time that term can accurately be used to describe a Blazer's game since 2003. I've managed to stay upbeat about this whole thing by reminding myself of how ridiculously ahead of schedule this team is even if the season ends today. (Seriously everyone, it is just the beginning. Try to refrain from your moronic roster shakeup talk. Please?)

That said, it would be pretty cool if this great season didn't have to end tonight. I'm sure the patrons at the Rose Garden will give their usual boost, but this time DeceptivelyQuick is chipping in as well. Ladies and men on library computers, I give you Spencer SweetPotato.

Confused? Only the diehards remember Spencer, the DeceptivelyQuick mascot/intern that is only slightly less ridiculous and unnecessary than Blaze the Trail Cat. Unlike Blaze (more like Blase'. Zing!) Spencer the SweetPotato actually helps the team. In fact, The Blazers have never lost a game that was played on the same day as a Spencer-themed blog post. Chalk it up to the mystical power of the yam that is underappreciated for both its deliciousness and its nutritional value. Game 5: In. The. Bag.

Game 6: Spencer The Sweetpotato is ready

We may be pushing our luck a bit here, but it is hard to posses a power as mighty as Spencer The Sweetpotato and remain idle in these must-win situations. If you need a refresher, understand that this very unpopular DeceptivelyQuick intern/mascot was responsible for Portland's Game 5 win. Now he's up again. Behold the game-changer:



Whether Portland wins or loses this series, I think that the time for Spencer to become one with that big holiday pie in the sky is growing near. However, a series win would not go unrewarded. Such an accomplishment would undoubtedly earn Spencer The Sweetpotato a special place on The DeceptivelyQuick JPEG Banner of Honor. Right up there next to Kevin Pritchard, close enough to be blinded by his D.Miles necklace. Don't miss this opportunity, Spence. Immortality awaits. Go Blazers.

Dear Rip City, Stop thinking about Oden. I can help.

There was a time when thinking about Oden was a widely accepted way of improving one's mood. Thinking of the man now doesn't quite have the same effect. I think at this time it would be appropriate for Kevin Pritchard to address the public on the dangers of Odenizing. Serious negative health consequences are a real possibility. We need to issue a moratorium on all Odenizing until he becomes the dominant force we have been hoping for.

Oden's latest injury (he is out 2-4 weeks, in case you've been living under a sagenite pseudomorph) was also terrible with its potential to cause a Rip City panic. I admit, Oden going down so soon, at a time when the lights were so bright, has given even my dog night terrors. It is the kind of news both local and national media dream of. The coverage has been inescapable.

Yesterday brought the most non-True Hoop-day views ever for DeceptivelyQuick. The masses are hungry for depressing Oden crazy talk. Things will remain this way, at least in Rip City, until Oden proves he can stay healthy and produce.

I thought maybe I should stoke that fire, give the people what they want, and keep the traffic up. Maybe I could write something crazy comparing Oden to Sam Bowie. (Another.) Then I remembered that if a million people stop by I make the same amount of money as if the lone viewer is former-intern and current super fan Spencer SweetPotato. Zero.

So instead of exploiting your fear, I want to help. Please read the following tips for avoiding depressing Oden stuff and apply to your daily life. I feel better already.

- Replace your Oden youtube searches with searches for Stig Dogg (H.T. recommends this one.)
- When you are reading a Blazers article online, hit Ctrl+F, type in "Bowie", and hit Enter. If it finds anything, stop reading. Throw your computer out the window.
- Read a book, its FREE.
- Think about how great Rudy Fernandez looked in the opener. Hey remember this! (And try not to think about this.)
- Read Mike Barrett's blog. He works for the Blazers, and shameless homerism is in the job description. No bad news allowed! Perfect!
- Try to figure this out.
- Laugh at the foolishness of Andrew Bynum. Actually, you know what, I could see Oden breaking his wrist attempting that. Now I'm depressed again. Damn.

Petteri Koponen still Finnaglin

It has been an unusually long time since DeceptivelyQuick has provided any updates from Finland. In fact, our blog mascot/intern Spencer SweetPotato even began commenting that lately it hasn't smelled of salmon much around the office. We were just happy he shutup about the benefits of sweetpotatos for a minute. Anyways, lack of Finland coverage is bad news, extensive market research has shown that capturing that elusive Finnish basketball enthusiast demographic is critical to the success of DeceptivelyQuick.

Luckily, Official Invisible Finnish Hand Contact H.T. has saved us. Make sure to check out his great Petteri Koponen update over at BlazersEdge. Sounds like the young Finnagler is making progress, can't wait to see him again in summer league.

Draft Lottery: Creepin in the minivan

My lazy playoff enjoyment was interrupted today by the realization that the NBA Draft Lottery is nearly upon us. I remain a very loyal fan of this. I thank the League every year around this time for applying the law of large numbers probability to a small individual set of random drawings. Last season, obviously this worked out as Portland cashed in a 5.3% of getting the top pick. This time around the odds of that big uno have shrunk to 6/1,000, but the beauty of the system means our chances of seeing some sort of "unlikely" shit are pretty decent.

If your team isn't in the playoffs, this event really is the jumpstart to all bullshitting you will be doing in the coming months. Jackpot. Oh yes, summer is DeceptivelyQuick time. It is when better more popular places lose interest, so folks obsessed with wasting time at work have no choice but to come here and read 3,000 words on how Taurean Green rocked a summer league game. Some of the more hardcore of you might be happy to hear we've hired on former intern Spencer Sweetpotato full time (minus health insurance) in preparation for the busy season. Delicious.

Losing Finland

The Holidays are about family, and recently a cousin of DeceptivelyQuick has been coming around less and less. That empty place at the table is difficult to ignore, and we're getting the feeling Finland's "maybe I'll be able to make it" was just a polite "no."

For much of the existence of this blog, Finland has been there. There were days when our kindly maildeliver-er Mr. Lumpkin would complain because hauling all the fanmail from Finland was hurting his back, plus it was "really cold" and often "smelled of fish." Mr. Lumpkin has been happier lately, as our Finnish support has dropped to an all-time low.

But why? Some believe our newly elected mascot Spencer the SweetPotato has failed to connect with the crucial young male Finnish demographic. It only loudens the criticism that we should have gone with our first choice, Finnish rap superstar Stig Dogg. Although we can't disclose the specifics of financial matters, Stig wanted more humpbacked perch than we can provide at this point. Spencer works only for the opportunity to spread the faith of how delicious and healthy sweet potato's really are.

As if this weren't enough, as we watched the Petteri Koponen's DeceptivelyQuick approved nickname "The Finnagler" gain traction, it has apparently vanished from his wikipedia and thus, from the lexicon of relevance.

The Invisible Finnish Hand can be cold indeed.