Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Dear Rip City, Stop thinking about Oden. I can help.

There was a time when thinking about Oden was a widely accepted way of improving one's mood. Thinking of the man now doesn't quite have the same effect. I think at this time it would be appropriate for Kevin Pritchard to address the public on the dangers of Odenizing. Serious negative health consequences are a real possibility. We need to issue a moratorium on all Odenizing until he becomes the dominant force we have been hoping for.

Oden's latest injury (he is out 2-4 weeks, in case you've been living under a sagenite pseudomorph) was also terrible with its potential to cause a Rip City panic. I admit, Oden going down so soon, at a time when the lights were so bright, has given even my dog night terrors. It is the kind of news both local and national media dream of. The coverage has been inescapable.

Yesterday brought the most non-True Hoop-day views ever for DeceptivelyQuick. The masses are hungry for depressing Oden crazy talk. Things will remain this way, at least in Rip City, until Oden proves he can stay healthy and produce.

I thought maybe I should stoke that fire, give the people what they want, and keep the traffic up. Maybe I could write something crazy comparing Oden to Sam Bowie. (Another.) Then I remembered that if a million people stop by I make the same amount of money as if the lone viewer is former-intern and current super fan Spencer SweetPotato. Zero.

So instead of exploiting your fear, I want to help. Please read the following tips for avoiding depressing Oden stuff and apply to your daily life. I feel better already.
- Replace your Oden youtube searches with searches for Stig Dogg (H.T. recommends this one.)
- When you are reading a Blazers article online, hit Ctrl+F, type in "Bowie", and hit Enter. If it finds anything, stop reading. Throw your computer out the window.
- Read a book, its FREE.
- Think about how great Rudy Fernandez looked in the opener. Hey remember this! (And try not to think about this.)
- Read Mike Barrett's blog. He works for the Blazers, and shameless homerism is in the job description. No bad news allowed! Perfect!
- Try to figure this out.
- Laugh at the foolishness of Andrew Bynum. Actually, you know what, I could see Oden breaking his wrist attempting that. Now I'm depressed again. Damn.

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